Braving Reality

I'm finally in the working world! And... it's really not as what I expect. Haha... I thought it'd be a very different experience from school and wbg... But... Actually it's almost the same. I still have to learn how to juggle my time well. My first week at work hadn't been as effective as it should be coz I haven't planned my time well and didn't set goals for everything I do. Was actually rather stressed out on friday and saturday that I gave up doing emcee for Mel's event. But who cares, coz Mel did a really great job himself with his chinese accented english (same as me! but he refuses to agree with me). So this week, I've to work doubly hard to make sure I'm productive and efficient. Phew. Better do reflections and meditation tonight.

Fighting my inner demons

Lately I feel rather weird and off weather. Don't know what's wrong with me but just feel very withdrawn from everyone else. It's the same with at work, with my good friends when we went out for dinner, a little of it with my family, and for a while with Mel. I'm like trying too hard to fit in, but just can't. And I know I'm trying too hard to fit in, and I know almost everyone else felt the same way. But I just can't help it. It's like seeing a wall in front of you yet you continue to walk straight on to bang into it as if you lost control of legs. I'll just go and draw some cards from the love pack and see what my issues are and resolve them. I'll need all the help I can get to manage my coming week.

Anyway, I really think I have some ego and competitiveness issues. I seem to hate failing at the things I do. Maybe everyone hates it. Ok. Maybe hate is too harsh a word. I seem to dislike failing at things. The more I can't do something the more I want to prove to myself that I can do them. It was good that it helped me curb my fear of public speaking and became an emcee, and overcome my fear of intimacy to be with Mel. I just need to put this attitude into my work and relationships. I seem to fear pp disliking me! My god... And I can't help but agree with pp when they say how lousy am I at something etc, when I am in fact not. It's prob jus a self confidence issue, but it's driving me nuts. I couldn't perform well at work partly coz all these. I would hear a bad point of myself, agree, and wallow in depression of how lousy I am. Oh manz... what a loser! Ha... As I write these down, I start to feel how silly I am. It's ok. From now on, I'll pick myself up and do best at everything, no matter what it is. Fear is nothing when you meet it in the face. Anyway, seeing a half full glass of water is better than seeing a half empty glass of water. ^_^

Prayers answered

The other day, I was so devastated by the difficulty to find an interesting job I'll like with the remunerations I need and flexible time schedule (no OT). I was so desperate I prayed so hard. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a phone call came. In fact, 2. But I only answered one. Maybe it's destined. I never knew what the other phone call was about. The first call that came was from Beth, my previous Head of Assistant Coaches and previous Head of B Team. I was looking for a job, and I was suddenly set up for an interview with a very much possibly attainable job. I was really happy and headed down for an interview the next day. And hey presto! The one up there really answers the prayers. I now have a job and today's my 2nd day. The job's very interesting with great people, and high sense of achievement. And most importantly, my criterias are fulfilled.

It's not easy working for **Beth coz she's really very result-oriented. In fact, it's very stressful. Haha... For me at least coz I am an innate perfectionist. I couldn't sleep well before I went for the job, and almost didn't sleep after my first day of job. Keke... Talk about insomnia. I was just so afraid of performing badly on my first perm job, especially when I'm sorta 'head hunted'. Hehe... I just like writing that, though I'm not. So here I am. I am officially a trainee dating consultant on probation on 2 months. And hopefully before the end of the 2 months my bosses are satisfied enough with my performance that I can be upgraded to a perm with higher salary. Hee~ But it is really nice working there and I've started to learn a lot even though this is only my 2nd day. Phew~ Wish me all the best with my work.

**PS: Please don't look for Beth for any more jobs... I took the last one, that's why I didn't dare tell others I'm working for her. Hee.. Sorry to disappoint ar. I'm neither working a nightlife job as a dance hostess or being a financial consultant. Hahahaha~~!!!

Charmed

Recently I've been catching up with my favourite show Charmed. Hee~ Guess my inner mismatcher and perfectionist self just couldn't bear being not good at my english during stage hosting. Keke.. After watching Charmed, I realize I really love that show and have missed a lot of it. I'm at Season 5 and it's soooo... NICE! And of course, my english is improving too. At least that's what I feel. Keke...

Today was what I supposed to be a not so good day. I left my makeup bag with Mel, and I had to go to get from him during his lunch time before my interview at 2pm. Which means, TIGHT SCHEDULE. And.. it had to rain so heavily all of a sudden when I have to get it. Nevermind. I used my big purple Ribena umbrella with a spoke poking out and walked all the way to his centre, which was only 2 streets away, which is a good thing. And Melvin have to be late. Argh. I called and msged and msged. But he didn't answer. He finally came out bout 5 minutes later. Ya. It's not a long time. But hey.. I'm on a tight schedule here. Then, I went for my interview. Things are fine. I was slightly before time and I settled easily into the interview room, filling out sheets and sheets of personality tests. Can you believe I did almost one hour of personality tests and filling up a job application form? Wow... There's really lots to fill up. Things went well... until I saw an old friend. It's nice meeting old friends... but overwhelming to meet them in a place where you want to apply a job and you didn't know they were there beforehand. And I am a competitive person. This 'unemployed' status is making me so jittery. I'm afraid of losing out to everyone out there who already got a job, and the last thing I need is for a friend old or new to be my superior or boss. Argh. I've enough of my own demons to deal with I don't need anymore new ones.

BUT BUT BUT, things all of a sudden became so much better. I was so devastated meeting an old friend at a new hopeful workplace, especially after hearing from her that it's difficult to get a job with my time schedule (can't work OTs for Mon, Wed, Thurs, and sat only work till 12.30). Yes. I am difficult. And I need a paycheck of at least 2.3K. It's not I want ok.. It's I NEED. But I work hard when I'm at it, I learn really fast and love learning, and I'm a real asset for any business. I am sure of that. Enough of that. Anyway, as I was saying, things became so much better all of a sudden. Two miracle phonecalls came in while I was ranting about how upset I was to Mel and Wanlin, and I suddenly felt so relieved and finally in control of my life. Hee~ I guess prayers do help and we can really get what we want if we wish hard and worked hard enough. Won't say much about the two phonecalls till everything's confirmed tmr. They may be false hopes... But I feel in control of a sudden, and got my life back. That's what it counts. Even if they fail, it's ok. Guess I'm still charmed enough. Thanks to the one up there. ^_^

We're Going Away~~!!

We're going away for a weekend trip!! Hee~ Melvin's been really busy lately and terribly stressed out. So we're going to Genting. See ya all when we're back! ^_^