What I really want

Recently I've been so stressed up and frustrated. Met quite a few obstacles, either at work or watsoever. The only thing I'm not stressed about is relationship. Ha... It's been quite a tough time this half year, with a switch from student to working professional, from single to attached, from naivety to facing the real world. It really hasn't been easy.

When I was young, I always thought, I want to grow up faster, graduate and achieve many many great things in life. But when I grow older, and eventually step out into the working world, I realize it's not that easy to achieve that many accomplishments with the limited time. I want many things in life. I want a great family relationship, I want a great career, I want free time to do whatever I want anytime, I want to use my abilities to help the world become a better place, I want to develop my abilities of writing, singing etc. And I realize... I've no time!

I became so stressed up and pent up that finally I broke down. Luckily Melvin was with me that night and spent hours at the garden with me till 4am. I'm really really so glad for him being here with me. Because of him, I realize I overstressed myself with my ambitions and timelines, and made myself so depressed. Because of him, I realize more about myself. I had been naive, and only wanted to do things I know how to do, daren't face issues or confrontations, been extreme with the things I do, over blaming myself for everything, over demanding of myself, irresponsible... But with him, I really learnt to face up to issues. I became less extreme, and more understanding. I became less self blaming, and more self loving. I became more daring in voicing out the things that I want. And that night, I realize... what I really want in life.

I hadn't been really successful in life before, because I daren't be. All my life, I'm being told how ugly and lousy a person I am. All my life, I could have did many achievements within my grasp, but I didn't. Because I believe I wasn't worth it. But even if so, I did fairly well in life. I was able to go through 1 year of school without pocket money, and survive on one tuition kid and WBG income. I can earn money if I need it, and can do sales fairly well. It was an accomplishment to me. But I wasn't happy. I know I can earn loads if I want to, but something was stopping me then. I could do well in office, and then go back home to cry. I felt... empty. I'm not saying all these to prove that WBG is not good or not right or watsoeva. I REALLY LOVED WBG. It was a great place that developed my potentials and made me who I am. And till this day, though it changed a lot, I believe in its products and its potential. But, I realize that life is not as simple as just having a career.

What I really want is to have time for my loved ones. For Melvin, myself, my friends, my family and our future kids if we have them. Even if I earn lots of money, I wouldn't be happy without time with Melvin or my family. I know, people will think, 'You see! Wei Lin become soft and changed after having a boyfriend!' And prob even despise my thinking. But... the funny thing is, I don't care. I know I'd feel happier to have time with Melvin. Everyone is always too busy to think of relationships, and think that it is the least important. But to say the truth, relationships are most impt aren't they? We work hard for a future, for whom? It can't be for us only because our lifetime is so short that one will definitely feel empty after working for sometime. In the end it's either for our future generations, or our loved ones, or our family. Loving a person and wanting to spend more time with a person doesn't mean we give up our career, it just means taking a different view to it, and prob a different path to it. Seriously, I don't know what I'm trying to defend. I prob just wanna say, I love Melvin and want to be with him for the rest of my life, and who cares if anyone thinks I'm soft because of that. At least I'm soft and happy. ^_^