Braving Reality

I'm finally in the working world! And... it's really not as what I expect. Haha... I thought it'd be a very different experience from school and wbg... But... Actually it's almost the same. I still have to learn how to juggle my time well. My first week at work hadn't been as effective as it should be coz I haven't planned my time well and didn't set goals for everything I do. Was actually rather stressed out on friday and saturday that I gave up doing emcee for Mel's event. But who cares, coz Mel did a really great job himself with his chinese accented english (same as me! but he refuses to agree with me). So this week, I've to work doubly hard to make sure I'm productive and efficient. Phew. Better do reflections and meditation tonight.

Fighting my inner demons

Lately I feel rather weird and off weather. Don't know what's wrong with me but just feel very withdrawn from everyone else. It's the same with at work, with my good friends when we went out for dinner, a little of it with my family, and for a while with Mel. I'm like trying too hard to fit in, but just can't. And I know I'm trying too hard to fit in, and I know almost everyone else felt the same way. But I just can't help it. It's like seeing a wall in front of you yet you continue to walk straight on to bang into it as if you lost control of legs. I'll just go and draw some cards from the love pack and see what my issues are and resolve them. I'll need all the help I can get to manage my coming week.

Anyway, I really think I have some ego and competitiveness issues. I seem to hate failing at the things I do. Maybe everyone hates it. Ok. Maybe hate is too harsh a word. I seem to dislike failing at things. The more I can't do something the more I want to prove to myself that I can do them. It was good that it helped me curb my fear of public speaking and became an emcee, and overcome my fear of intimacy to be with Mel. I just need to put this attitude into my work and relationships. I seem to fear pp disliking me! My god... And I can't help but agree with pp when they say how lousy am I at something etc, when I am in fact not. It's prob jus a self confidence issue, but it's driving me nuts. I couldn't perform well at work partly coz all these. I would hear a bad point of myself, agree, and wallow in depression of how lousy I am. Oh manz... what a loser! Ha... As I write these down, I start to feel how silly I am. It's ok. From now on, I'll pick myself up and do best at everything, no matter what it is. Fear is nothing when you meet it in the face. Anyway, seeing a half full glass of water is better than seeing a half empty glass of water. ^_^