I want to live my life...

I haven't blog for quite some time. To say the truth, I've just been rather moody lately. And I don't like to blog when I'm unhappy because I don't like to disclose things that are dear to me to others. But maybe I'd feel better after writing it down and finally embrace the matter more light-heartedly.

I just read ace baby's blog, with a quite recent entry from Angel (his mum). That cliques a lot with what I've been feeling. After the last POV with Master Hiromi in January this year, I opened up a lot of my feelings. In the past, my feelings were all locked up. I don't know what I'm feeling most of the time, and don't know why I'm feeling my feelings. I can be suddenly very depressed, yet when my friends ask me why, I don't even have the answer. I'll ponder many times over what exactly I was feeling and why I feel depressed, but I simply don't know. I was a walking zombie. I can smile, I can cheer people up, I can be very ecstatic and enthusiastic about everything, but I can't make myself happy. I'd hide at home and cry or just do nothing. Or I'd spend $400 in a store buying just a few pieces of clothes, or I'd just eat. But nothing really makes me happy.

After POV, my feelings unlocked. I can feel. I can love. I got myself a wonderful boyfriend, and know that I can live my own life and search for my own meaning in life. At the same time, my anger is also unleashed. I realize I am so angry with my parents. After POV, I find it difficult to really talk to my family members especially my dad and my aunt or whoever wants me to just follow whatever they say. In the past, I could act-as-if everything didn't matter, as long as I love them it doesn't matter how they treat me and they'd reciprocate in the end. I can pretend to be nice and everything because I can't feel. But now that I can feel, it's so difficult... It's just so so difficult...

It's to the point that I really hate my dad... I hate him for being so MCP and all that he does just so that he is powerful over me and makes me feel powerless. I hate him for making me feel so unloved and powerless over my own life, and I hate myself for hating him. I understand that he really loves me a lot. I know that it is a fact, and that he just don't know how to express himself. But the way he's treating me and the way he's making everyone treat me really drives me crazy. The way he humiliates me in front of others, the way he wants me to listen to him and follow, the way he makes me know that I have no rights at all, the way he makes everyone blame me, the way he drives me away... I cannot stand it anymore. All I want to do is to leave. Leave and give each other space so that we can start loving each other. My tears can't stop flowing, my heart can't stop breaking. It feels terrible...

I want to own my own life. My life is mine, and no others. No one can take it away from me no matter who he or she is. It doesn't matter what happens, as long as it is my decision and my way of steering my life. It is mine. I will put in all my heart and soul to live it, and to choose the way I live it. I will work to my best, play to my best, love to my best, and contribute to my best. I will die the day knowing I had lived my own life, and no one has the right to manipulate my life. If in the process of making my own decisions I've hurt anyone, making them think I don't care for them at all, I'm really sorry... I just want to live my life.. It doesn't mean you are not important to me if I don't listen to you. Do you understand? Can you just love me for who I am? Because I really love you... Why isn't all that I've done ever be good enough for you?